"I Know What to Do, But I Can’t Do It": Why Change Feels So Hard

We live in an age of endless information and advice. At any moment, you can search how to improve your relationship, calm your anxiety, set better boundaries, or feel more confident, and instantly receive answers. Many people come to therapy feeling overwhelmed by advice, knowing what to do but struggling to make real change.

And yet, many clients arrive in therapy saying:

“I know what I should do… I just don’t do it.”

I notice this both personally and in the therapy room.

There is an overwhelming amount of information available about mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Articles, posts, tools, and advice are constantly telling us how to live better, communicate better, or feel better. Even with experience and understanding, it’s easy to feel pressure and have a sense that we should be doing things differently, or better.

Often, taking in more information doesn’t bring clarity. Instead, it can create a quiet sense of overwhelm or self-criticism, where knowing more somehow feels like it should automatically lead to doing more.

So when clients say, “I know what to do, but I can’t do it,” I don’t hear a lack of effort or motivation. I hear overwhelm.

This isn’t a personal failure. It’s a misunderstanding of how change actually happens.

Why This Matters

When we feel overwhelmed by advice and information, it’s easy to turn that overwhelm inward and assume the problem is a lack of willpower, motivation, or discipline. Over time, this can lead to frustration, shame, or a sense of being stuck.

Understanding that change doesn’t come from information alone can be a relief. It shifts the focus away from self-blame and towards curiosity about what might be getting in the way.

This perspective matters because it opens the door to a kinder, more realistic way of approaching change, one that takes emotional safety and support seriously.

Knowing What To Do Isn’t the Same as Changing

Information speaks to the thinking part of us. It can be comforting and clarifying, and it often helps us make sense of our experiences. Learning about attachment styles, communication tools, or emotional regulation can feel like progress.

But insight alone rarely leads to lasting change.

You can know a difficult conversation might help your relationship and still feel unable to start it. You can know rest would help and still keep pushing yourself. You can recognise an unhealthy pattern and still repeat it.

This isn’t because you’re failing. It’s because change doesn’t live in the same place as information.

Why We Don’t Do What We Know Is Good for Us

Much of our behaviour is shaped by emotional learning with our experiences held in our bodies, not just in our minds. Many of these patterns were formed early, before we had words for them.

For example:

• Avoiding conflict may once have kept you safe

• Over-functioning may have earned approval

• Staying quiet may have prevented rejection

  
  

Even when these strategies no longer serve us, they can still feel necessary. On a nervous system level, change can register as danger rather than growth.

When someone says, “I know what to do, but I can’t do it,” they’re often describing an inner conflict where a part of them understands, while another part feels scared or overwhelmed.

The Limits of Advice

Information and advice, whether from books, social media, or AI tools, usually focuses on what to do: say this, set that boundary, think differently.

What it can’t do is sit with your emotions that get in the way. It doesn’t feel the fear that arises when you imagine speaking up, or the shame that appears when you try to put yourself first.

This is where many people feel overwhelmed by taking in more and more information, in the hopes that the next insight will finally lead to change.

Change Happens in Relationship

Therapy isn’t about giving better advice. It’s about creating a space where change becomes possible.

In therapy, we work with the emotions beneath behaviours, the parts of you that feel conflicted, and the experiences that shaped your responses. Feeling understood rather than instructed allows your system to soften.

When there is enough safety in your nervous system new choices begin to emerge naturally.

A Final Thought

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by advice and information, you’re not alone.

You don’t need more answers. You need space, understanding, and a relationship where change can unfold at your pace.

If you’re curious about therapy, you’re welcome to get in touch.

If this resonates, you can read more about how I work on my counselling page. Individuals | Relationships