The Quiet Ways We Talk Ourselves Out of Our Feelings

The Conversation We Have With Ourselves

One of the things I've noticed in my work as a counsellor is that people rarely arrive carrying only what has brought them to therapy. They also arrive carrying months, and sometimes years, of trying to convince themselves that what they're feeling doesn't really matter.

Long before they sit down in my room, they've been having conversations with themselves.

• "I'm just overthinking it."

• "Other people have it much worse than I do."

• "I should be able to cope."

• "It's not really a big deal."

  
  

They rarely say these things with conviction. Instead, they say them almost apologetically, as though they're trying to persuade themselves and me. As though they need permission to feel what they're feeling.

Where Do Those Messages Come From?

I hear this particularly often from the men I work with. Many have spent years being the dependable one, solving problems, keeping themselves busy and carrying on. For some, expressing sadness, fear or vulnerability simply wasn't something that was encouraged growing up. Whether those messages came from family, school, friendships or society more broadly, many learned that being "strong" meant keeping difficult feelings to themselves.

Of course, this isn't unique to men. I hear similar stories from women too. We all, in different ways, learn messages about what emotions are acceptable, what it means to be "strong", and when we're allowed to ask for support.

What I've come to notice is that we can become surprisingly skilled at talking ourselves out of our own experience.

Protecting Ourselves

As human beings, I don't believe we do this because we're trying to avoid the truth. I think we're trying to protect ourselves. If we can convince ourselves that our feelings aren't important, perhaps we won't have to face something that feels painful or unfamiliar.

The difficulty is that our feelings rarely disappear because we've reasoned with them.

Instead, they tend to linger quietly in the background. They might show up as anxiety, irritability, feeling disconnected, struggling to switch off, or simply a sense that life feels hard.

What Happens When We Truly Listen?

One of the things I value most about counselling is that I don't begin by asking whether your feelings are justified. I begin by listening. And that might sound simple, but I don't think it's something many of us experience very often.

In everyday life, we're quick to reassure each other, offer advice or look for solutions. We often do it with the very best intentions. But in doing so, we can accidentally move away from the person's experience rather than towards it.

Therapy invites something different. It offers the opportunity to stay with what's there for a little longer. To become curious rather than critical. To notice what your emotions might be saying before deciding whether they should be there at all.

Again and again, I've seen people discover that the feelings they've spent months trying to dismiss actually make perfect sense when they're given the space to explore them.

Not because someone has interpreted them or provided the answers, but because they've finally had the opportunity to hear themselves.

A Different Question

If you recognise yourself in those quiet conversations that begin with "It's not that bad..." or "I shouldn't feel like this...", I wonder what might happen if, just for a moment, you responded with curiosity instead.

Not, "What's wrong with me?"

But, "I wonder what is this part of me trying to tell me?"

Sometimes, that small shift is where something new begins.

Some of the most meaningful moments I witness in therapy aren't when someone discovers something new about themselves, but when they realise that what they've been feeling all along finally makes sense.

If you’re curious about therapy, you’re welcome to get in touch.

If this resonates, you can read more about how I work on my counselling page. Individuals | Relationships